10/25/22

D I N O has got to GO!

October 25, 2022

It is time to address the elephant in the room.

We Disney fans dance around it constantly.

We skirt the issue.

We deflect.

We change the subject.

Perhaps worst of all, we try to justify it.

DinoLand U.S.A. is trash.

STOP. JUST STOP. I know there are dozens of you right now that are going to start spouting off about the incredible theming and detail to backstory and blah blah blah. A clever backstory can’t mask a $14 allowance. There is a reason Joe Rhode was always seen at Nomad Lounge and not at Dino Diner: he did not want to be constantly reminded of his participation in that hot mess. Yes, he did the best he could with the fire-sale budget he was given. I admire his creativity with the mythos and lore he constructed for the land. The story telling is simply polishing a turd, however.

Naturally, there are a FEW redeeming qualities of DinoLand. The Boneyard is a playground that my kids would have loved when they were little. It’s pretty cool. Restaurantosaurus has incredibly boring theme park cuisine, but the lounge attached has become an oasis in the desert. Dinosaur the ride is a classic but is in desperate need of love; and a re-theme wouldn’t hurt either. That track HAS to be retooled. I shouldn’t have to choose between “going to get that dino” and not paying for my chiropractor’s kid’s braces. Triceratop spin has the distinction of being the blandest spinner on property. Luckily, I don’t have to rhapsodize on the total waste of space that was Primeval Hurl because it was mercifully demolished. The carnival games are garish and tacky. Yes, I know, tHeY aRe SuPpOSed tO bE. That does not make them any more endearing.

At this year’s (2022) D23 Expo, they did some blue-sky “early concept exploration” ideas for replacing DinoLand U.S.A. One particular IP was mentioned: Moana. Thematically, I am super confused. I don’t feel like this fits at all. I love the movie, but it doesn’t make a lot of sense in Animal Kingdom. Zootopia has long been rumored for inclusion in the park, but that doesn’t seem to be on anyone in management’s immediate radar. Zootopia would certainly be a much better fit, but let’s be honest: Disney brass pigeonholing an IP into an absurd location is completely believable. (Looking at you GotG: Cosmic Rewind) No matter what direction they end up taking, I do hope they find a place for the unique characters that currently show up in DinoLand. The Launchpad, Scrooge, Donald, Daisy, Chip, and Dale character greets are absolutely terrific and need to be continued in a different area of the park.

Now I am not the most creative when it comes to armchair Imagineering, but how about resurrecting the original plan for Animal Kingdom and adding “Beastly Kingdom”? Before budget constraints and boneheaded managerial decisions, that was the planned direction. They even included some imagery in the early Animal Kingdom marketing materials. The original Logo for the park had a dragon included. DAK has become so focused on conservationism that I’m not sure the theme would flow seamlessly, but once again: Disney doesn’t always make sense. (Looking at you Disney’s Enchantment)

That they’re even talking about replacing the land is encouraging. Not that Disney is great with follow-through. (Looking at you Mary Poppins attraction in EPCOT) But I honestly believe that enough people, both Disney nerds like us and casual theme park fans, dunk on it with such regularity that Disney executives recognize something needs to change. To have such a blight on an otherwise beautiful park is a real shame.

I know this has rustled some jimmies and once again I am relieved to not have included a comment section on my webpage. However, be it through gritted teeth, I will maintain my posture of “let people enjoy what they enjoy” even if it is DinoLand U.S.A. But as for this guy: it can’t be removed soon enough.