All the Things (and I mean all of them)

March 3 2025

I’ve been gone a while. And there has been A TON of new things, disappearing things, announced things, stupid things, and in this article, I’m going to address NONE OF THEM.

Sorry, not sorry. I’m not a news blog.

Okay, okay, I’ll give a Cliff Notes reactions for a few notable things:

1.      Lightning Lane Premiere Pass – Price is astronomical and there is no way to offset it like there is at Universal. Even paying $900 a night to stay at the Poly won’t get you any discount on this pass. No multi-park feature with this pass either. Plus this “skip the line” service is for each attraction ONCE. If you have littles that get off a ride and want to do it again, sorry. Your $300 per person per day somehow doesn’t cover back-to-back rides on Pirates. Absurd.

2.      No more virtual queues – It was always coming. I’m going to miss the thrill of the hunt. Those of us that were savvy with the VQ system enjoyed the system. In fact, my goal was not to get a virtual queue, but to get group 1 through 10. Anything else was a disappointment. Anything beyond group 15 was failure. It is great for the average guest though.

3.      The demolition of Dinoland USA – My hostility for Dinoland has never been a secret. A clever backstory cannot cover a $14 budget. Good riddance.

4.      Muppet Courtyard retheme – The extraction of all things Muppets continues. It won’t disappear completely because of the Rock ‘N’ Roller Coaster retheme, but that was wilted, anemic, withered olive branch to the Muppet stans. I’m looking forward to the Monster’s INC land but Launch Bay would have made more sense. This decision was made to send a message. Brian Henson may as well have woken up with a horse head in his bed.

5.      Tom Sawyer Island and Liberty Belle – Since I became a Disney guy in my forties, I have no nostalgia for these areas. The riverboat does provide great views and seems like will create a theme vacuum in Liberty Square, but I’m excited to see what they do with the Cars franchise and the villains area.

6.      Jelly Rolls moving off property – Boooo!

Level99 coming to Disney Springs – This looks like escape room meets American Gladiator. Physical challenges aren’t my thing, but anything is better than an empty building. Okay, I’m lying. Empty building > NBA Experience 

So with that out of the way, why am I writing today? I guess it’s just because the Disney Blues are particularly strong today. Those times between trips are always agonizingly long, but this one is excruciating. August to November doesn’t sound too bad until you change the year on each of those. 458 days is a lifetime for an addict.

As I sit typing, I am burning my “Wild Thunder Railroad” wax melt, listening to the nighttime Pandora ambiance music loop, and drinking from my “Play in the Park” coffee mug.

I just miss my happy place.

Here is a little peek behind the curtain. For 18 years I was a server. I was good. I was really good. That’s not being arrogant or boastful; it is simply a byproduct of someone who has had the same job for many years. I had a list of one-liners that went on for days, but I was intuitive enough to know when to joke around and when to give my customers space and privacy. (And yes, they are CUSTOMERS, not guests. If you are a guest in my home, I do not charge you $.50 for extra sour cream.)  I gave excellent service and did it with flair. I was also the guy who could wait on a party of 15 and never write the order down and nail it every time.

It's been over 13 years since my days in food service. I do not miss working nights and weekends. I do not miss not having insurance. I do not miss dealing with cheap customers who don’t tip. I do however miss having the kind of memory I had back then. Part of it is just growing older, and I know that, but I don’t exercise my memory the way I used to exercise it. I observed a noticeable decline in my memory a couple of years ago, so I decided to start working out that area of my brain again. And what better subject is there to train my mind with than Walt Disney World? There are lots of things you can memorize at the parks, resorts, and Disney Springs. (Not those water parks though. I don’t even think they’re real. Disney water parks are a myth. Kind of like Idaho. Ever met someone from Idaho? Didn’t think so. Wake up sheeple!)

I started off with the obvious: attractions. Naturally, I placed some parameters on what was considered an attraction. Big Thunder Mountain? Yes, obviously an attraction. Impressions de France? Yes, that makes the cut. According to the website, African Birds is an attraction. No. I mean, I must draw the line somewhere. Casey’s Corner Pianist is fun to watch, but he is not an attraction in my book. My count was 86. I could have chosen to memorize these in alphabetical order, but my practical mind wanted to place them in the park and land that they are located, so I memorized them geographically. Once that was mastered, I moved on to something more challenging: table service restaurants. While the number of them is pretty similar to the attractions, 93, restaurant names aren’t nearly as well-known as rides and shows. 

But why stop there? How about quick service establishments? Well, there are 171 of those. That’s a tall order, but I felt up to the challenge. I thought I might as well throw in the lounges and pool bars. 88 of those. Whew! How many people actually know where “Turtle Shack Poolside Snacks” is located? I do. I realized in time, that I could sit down and type out every attraction, every sit-down restaurant, every quick service restaurant, and every lounge on property by memory. Fairly impressive, if I do say so myself, but I needed more. Back in December, I decided to take on my final task: retail locations. All of them. Parks, resorts, Springs, the whole shebang. 262 locations in all.

When combined with everything else I had memorized, I was looking at a cool and very round number of 700 specific entries. Yesterday I sat down and typed out the entire list by memory without any references or cheating. Why am I telling you all this? Partly to flat-out brag on myself. I am now a certified encyclopedia of the Disney Parks. However, there is another reason for highlighting this feat of asinine brilliance. For my fellow Disney completionists out there (and I know there are a ton of us), it goes to prove that no matter how many times you have visited the parks, there are things you haven’t done, places you haven’t visited, snacks that you have yet to partake of, and watering holes you haven’t graced with your presence.

Have you ever been to Chip & Dale’s Deli? Me neither. Do you know where it is? Disney’s Magnolia, Palm and Oak Trail Golf Course between the Poly and Shades of Green. They apparently have a chicken bacon quesadilla with chips and a domestic beer for $15! ON. DISNEY. PROPERTY. That’s incredible! Did you realize there is an African Star Mojito that is rumored to be the best mojito in the bubble at Cape Town Lounge and Wine Bar? I didn’t even know where that was, but I do now: right outside Jiko. Were you aware of a location in Disney Springs that has unique men’s and women’s jewelry crafted in Spain? It’s in Town Center and is called UNOde50.

There is honestly so much to see and do that you simply can’t do it all. This is your clarion call! Explore! Check things off your list! Small World will always be around, but that hot honey chicken with sweet potato fries at Golden Oak Outpost may not be!